So I met with my therapist, Shelly. I love Shelly she is always seems to have something witty and enlightening to say. For instance, when I called to make the appointment she flat out said "am I going to be your band aide or are we going to be real and deal with this". I was shocked. But then I thought about what she said and it made sense in other words am I choosing to fight this disease and live or not. One would think that it seems like a ridiculous question, but it really is not one. I can see where during this treatment one would feel like they have had enough. Enough of the poking enough of the traveling to different locations, enough of feeling sick all the time. I think this picture that Brad took of me at the last oncologist appointment says it pretty clearly. I know, it was not by choice that I let him take the picture. He thinks he is so funny!

The other questions that her statement brought up was have I really accepted that I have cancer? What I mean is have I really really accepted it. Do I know it..of course in my head, but have I accepted it...knowing and accepting are two different things. Acceptance means action..means I am dying. (OK not like I am dying dying but you know what I mean, I have a deadly disease) It means there is a possibility of leaving Brad, Kiley, means no more wine drinking with Dave and Kathleen, No more daily emails to Sharon. Maybe I have not accepted because I don't want to think about that stuff. I mean I already have to worry about being a good mother, wife, friend, lawyer, lets not talk about the responsibility to my family and church. I already have enough on my plate thank you very much. So yeah I have not accepted! Give me a break..Alright Alright cop out one o one. So what is my conclusion. I made a decision that I must accept. I can not run. IT IS REAL AND I HAVE TO DEAL. Lord please give me the strength. Please give my family and friends the strength. Help me be brave, Help me be strong to face your will whatever it is. :0)