When Jesus challenges me to take up my cross and follow Him he is not talking about two planks of wood, but following even when I am struggling"  How many times have I jumped or dived right into self pity. I will honestly admit that I did do that yesterday.  I took Kiley to her doctor's appointment for her school physical.  No biggie but then the doctor found that she has a heart murmur which she felt was too loud. I immediately and this is actually scary for me I went to a self pity and said SERIOUSLY GOD Never have I been a person that questions or blames God even in my abuse I blamed myself not God.  Sure I left my faith but I did not blame God.  I left my faith as I did not feel that God cared for me.  I was OK with that as I believed and knew that no one else cared for me so why would God.  But I repeat never did I blame God so why now.  I don't know other than it involved Kiley.  So I emailed Sharon all of this and then the more I read what I wrote the worst I felt about myself.  I realized that God has always been there.  God will be there.  I realized I turned into my mother the queen of making everything about her.  I realized this is not about me.  This is Kiley.  Yes she has a hear mumour yes it sucks yes I have to deal with it while undergoing Chemo.  But guess what I am not alone for God is with me.  I need to suck it up and trust.  I cannot get on Look at me my daughter is sick crap.  That is what I hate about my mother.  She never asks me how I am feeling rather she tells me how terrible she feels because her daughter has cancer.  I refuse to do that.  So I began reading and low and behold this what I came across.  Now I know I am a tinker bell where I relate everything to God but seriously I read. Psalm 38 and it felt like it was my words.   

 Psalm 38

O Lord, don’t rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your rage!

Your arrows have struck deep, and your blows are crushing me.

My guilt overwhelms me— it is a burden too heavy to bear.

My wounds fester and stink because of my foolish sins.

I am bent over and racked with pain. All day long I walk around filled with grief.

I am exhausted and completely crushed. My groans come from an anguished heart.

You know what I long for, Lord; you hear my every sigh.

My heart beats wildly, my strength fails, and I am going blind

For I am waiting for you, O Lord. You must answer for me, O Lord my God.

But I confess my sins; I am deeply sorry for what I have done.

Do not abandon me, O Lord. Do not stand at a distance, my God.

Come quickly to help me, O Lord my savior. (NLT)

Then I read Peter 1:3-8 and it seemed like it was God's answers.  Peter 1:3-8 notes:

All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. It is by his great mercy that we have been born again, because God raised Jesus Christ from the dead. Now we live with great expectation, and we have a priceless inheritance—an inheritance that is kept in heaven for you, pure and undefiled, beyond the reach of change and decay. And through your faith, God is protecting you by his power until you receive this salvation, which is ready to be revealed on the last day for all to see. So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy.

So I rest in him and I am joyful. 

Update

I am feeling reallly crappy today.  Lots of nauseusness.  Lots of pain.  Extremely tired! I am now having panic attacks due to all of this lovely.  Maybe the attacks are more from everything else going on at work, home.  I'm in tears!

Ok so today was a first.  You see I was trying to make my followup appointment with my primary care doctor.  Lets call him Dr. House.  Trust me he does not have the personaility of Dr. House but he does have the ego.   Love him though.  He is very caring, and sensitive. That is why though going to see him could be a whole day event.   Anyways, my oncologist is asking for my liver to be tested.  They want to make sure I do not have cancer in the liver.  So I have been doing the ultrasound thing blood work thing.  Anyways, I went to call to make my follow up appointment as I need to have all of this done before I can move on to the next step of treatment.  I.E., "the womb removal"  on side note do you think the doctor will find cobwebs I mean my uterus is in all serious barren.  I know sick sick Dennise Stop the madness.. Oh just humor me...So the lovely recptionist informs me that she cannot make my appointment as I have an outstanding balance from last month.  My legal mind immediately went to "liability".  How can you refuse treatment to a client that you know has Cancer who needs to see her doctor for medical treatment.  But nevettheless I know doctors need to get paid just like everyone else but really I can't schedule an appointment.  Couldn't  I just pay the balance at the appointment which really is in only two days.  Her response was sorry but "NO"   so she transfers me to the billing personnel.  Here is where the problems begin...Let me paraphase the conversation if you will  The biling deparmtnets response is in bold.
"Hello"
"yes hi, I was transferred to you as it appears I have an outstanding balance and I need to make an appointment and they will not schedule it until I resolve whatever issue with you"
"sure you have a really high balance"
"really"
"oh yeah like a really high balance"
."OK"
"OK"
"would you like to tell me the balance and what is for"
"do you not know"
"um NO"
"why not"
Now this is where I began to pray to God" Please Lord forgive her and forgive me because I am going to say something really nasty..." I am sorry" 
""why don't you know"
""honestly, my husband handles the finances in my house...(accurate and nice)
"i see"
"well oh wait the insurance company has paid a large portion of that bill"
(Praise the Lord Halleuaha"
but you have a balance of 93.00 
Ok for what
for services rendered
( No I thought it was for the hell of it of  course it was for services rendered)
 what services...
your doctor's
(Now this is where I lost it...)
Look I have Cancer I see a lot of doctors who are affliated with your company so which doctor
Well let me check
Thank you
For doctor Londono
Ok for what services
a procedure
Ok again I have CANCER I have had a lot of procedure performed by Dr. Londono in his office, at the surgery center and at the hospital WHICH FRIGGIN ONE I need  to verify with the insurance companuy.
"i thought your husband handled the finances"
"OK look I am getting the information from you so I can pass it on to my husband and we can veryify with the insurance what they covered.  As you are aware there are different things they do and do not cover in regards to Cancer.  Can you just tell for what procedure, what date of service.
NO
NO
No I don't like your tone.
Oh I'm sorry you see I have CANCER I feel sick and I need to see my doctor I am trying to resolve the issue so I can see him but you are making it difficult.
AM NOT
What
You should pay attention to your bills. If you did you would be able to make the appointment
Um but isn't  it your job to collect the payment
yes
so if you want to collect the payment tell me what it is for and I will pay it.
93.00
yes but for what
a procedure performed by Dr. Londono
At this point I humg up.

So I met with my therapist, Shelly. I love Shelly she is always seems to have something witty and enlightening to say. For instance, when I called to make the appointment she flat out said "am I going to be your band aide or are we going to be real and deal with this". I was shocked. But then I thought about what she said and it made sense in other words am I choosing to fight this disease and live or not. One would think that it seems like a ridiculous question, but it really is not one. I can see where during this treatment one would feel like they have had enough. Enough of the poking enough of the traveling to different locations, enough of feeling sick all the time. I think this picture that Brad took of me at the last oncologist appointment says it pretty clearly. I know, it was not by choice that I let him take the picture. He thinks he is so funny!

The other questions that her statement brought up was have I really accepted that I have cancer? What I mean is have I really really accepted it. Do I know it..of course in my head, but have I accepted it...knowing and accepting are two different things. Acceptance means action..means I am dying. (OK not like I am dying dying but you know what I mean, I have a deadly disease) It means there is a possibility of leaving Brad, Kiley, means no more wine drinking with Dave and Kathleen, No more daily emails to Sharon. Maybe I have not accepted because I don't want to think about that stuff. I mean I already have to worry about being a good mother, wife, friend, lawyer, lets not talk about the responsibility to my family and church. I already have enough on my plate thank you very much. So yeah I have not accepted! Give me a break..Alright Alright cop out one o one. So what is my conclusion. I made a decision that I must accept. I can not run. IT IS REAL AND I HAVE TO DEAL. Lord please give me the strength. Please give my family and friends the strength. Help me be brave, Help me be strong to face your will whatever it is. :0)

I am a big fan of my daily bread. This morning as I was waiting for my client's case to be called up at court I opened the book and began to read. This is how I normally read my daily bread I just open it and let it fly per say. Today's reading was the following: "A ship without a rudder is driven to and fro by the winds and waves so too when a man does not bother to work the virtues he needs, or if he abandons his good intentions, he is soon tempted by his own faults and weakness. I am the Lord, and I give strength in time of trial. Come to Me when things are not going well with you. Heavenly light and strength are often held back from you because you are slow to make use of prayer. How frequently before you get down to serious prayer, you look for peace in worldly consolations, and seek your happiness in natural enjoyments or earthly occupations. You will find little relief in anything until you realize that I am ready to help those who trust in me. There is no perfect assistance, no helpful advice, no lasting remedy unless it is blessed by My love and strengthened by My presence.
What I have learned in this journey is that I am not in control. I have learned that I must rely on my faith. I am a ship with out a rudder. I have often felt like I am just sailing with no direction. This is an accurate statement of my life. It is a life without purpose. It is a life of just being. Don't get me wrong we must go with the flow as I like to say a river always ends in the ocean even though there are beavers making damns.
What am I saying. I am not really sure. lol . I guess what I am saying is that I need to pray. I not only need to pray but I need to believe in the power of prayer. For it is in this prayer that we come to our Lord. He tells us over and over agin to come to him in the times of trouble but do we. I guess we do but do we truly. It is easy to come to pray when things are really bad but what about when things are only a little bad? Or do we come and say fix this Lord but you are not doing it right. Do we really believe in the power of prayer. i guess the question is do we have that faith. It is hard to have that faith. Some of us like me may feel unworthy others may feel that they are above faith. I don't have the answers I just have the questions. I guess it is a choice that we must make pray and have faith.

"Alice In Wonderland" (You've Lost Your Muchness Scene)

So lets talk about empowerment. I think I needed some empowerment. As some of you may recall in the new Alice in Wonderland (which btw is one of the bests movie ever!) the Mad Hatter aka Johnny Depp tells Alice "you've lost your muchness". I believe that would accurately describe me the past couple of days. But not today. I have my muchness back. I even got a new tattoo to signify it. It is a lotus flower. Now the lotus flower means a lot of different things. For me signifies the conqoring the struggles, journey life lessons if you will of life. The lotus flower starts as a small flower down at the bottom of a pond in the mud and muck. It slowly grows up towards the waters surface continually moving towards the light. Once it come to the surface of the water the lotus flower begins to blossom and turn into a beautiful flower. So that is what I decided I need to do.

Today I dealt with the issue of being reluctant to continue with treatment. What you say. Why would you think that or even do that. Especially after the last post of joyfulness. Well in reality it is quite simple. I am tired. Today, I am tired of dealing with this. I am tired of the medicine, the costs the worry. Now don't get me wrong I am joyful but lets remember that I am human. Jesus was human and my faith has taught me that he understands our weakness and appreciates it for what it is just a moment of weakness. The important thing is we need to follow in Jesus footsteps. He as the son of God made human experienced everything we do. Now this is not only limited to Jesus but Mary as well. I cannot imagine seeing my son beaten continuously then seeing a crown of thorns placed on his skull, then carry a cross while the crowds spit and called him names. I mean I would be hysterical. Ok I will wholeheartedly admit that what I am going through is NOTHING and I repeat NOTHING that Jesus went through. But I believe based on his experience Jesus can relate to my being tired and not wanting to fight. Ok so I love Broadway musicals I saw a few years ago Jesus Christ Superstar there is the scene and song where Jesus is waiting for Thomas's betrayal and he is praying to God..Jesus sings a beautiful song with the following words: I only want to say If there is a way Take this cup away from me For I don't want to taste its poison Feel it burn me, I have changed I'm not as sure As when we started Then I was inspired Now I'm sad and tired Listen surely I've exceeded Expectations Tried for three years Seems like thirty Could you ask as much From any other man? But if I die See the saga through And do the things you ask of me Let them hate me, hit me, hurt me Nail me to their tree I'd want to know I'd Would I be more noticed Than I ever was before? Would the things I've said and done Matter any more? I'd have to know Lord Why, why should I die? Can you show me now That I would not be killed in vain? Show me just a little Of your omnipresent brain Show me there's a reason For your wanting me to die You're far too keen on where and how But not so hot on why Alright I'll die! Just watch me die! See how, see how I die! Why then am I scared To finish what I started What you started I didn't start it God thy will is hard But you hold every card I will drink your cup of poison Nail me to your cross and break me Bleed me, beat me Kill me, take me now Before I change my mind Now I know that some are going to disagree with me and say that it is impossible for Jesus to have felt this way. Respectfully, I disagree. Jesus was created human for us to save us. Of course he is going to feel exactly what I feel so I am giving myself permission to feel crappy just for a little while.

I am sorry but I thought this was funny. So I had to post. If I had breast cancer I would so be wearing one. I also like Save the Tatas. I have a sick sense of humor. I know. Ok I was speaking to a friend of mine when I was first diagnosed. He told me that his wife passed away from Ovarian cancer that spread into her breasts and lungs. As soon as I told him that I was sorry he said "what for". He proceeded to tell me that his wife fought Cancer for 5 years. That the best advice he could give me was to keep laughing and keep fighting. He said what he remembers most about his wife was her laughter her willingness to fight and her faith in God. Due to this he is not sad. It reminded me the importance of laughter so I laugh. I laugh at how my assistant says that "I am a like a cockroach so I will not die" Then I remember why not be joyful. I have all more of the reason to be joyful. Why you ask, because the Lord is with us more when we are going through difficulties than when not. It is like the story of the footprints says "The Lord replied the times when you have see only one set of footprints is when I carried you". How can I not be joyful! Truly I hope only to see on set of footprints.

Lots of emotions going on today actually for the past few days. I believe it stems from being tired, and nauseous. Not to mention the hair loss. (on that note I am thankful that it is really just thinning not like others) I have been going from one extreme to the other, imaging that I am dying to fighting. A new one today guilt about others wanted me to fight and I am just not feeling like it at the moment. Guilt that I am not as sick as some people get during this fight. although the exhaustion is incredible.

I am thankful for our God for it is through him that I am gaining some sense of comfort.
I went to the get my ultrasound of my liver done this morning. We need to make sure that puppy is working. I guess the biggest thing I have realized in this journey is how ever encompassing this cancer is in one's life. It becomes crazy how your thoughts only center on this. It is always on your mind. Eveywhere you look you think about it. You read about it. Sure sometimes you will even use it to your advantage. (of course not me ;0) I am making an effort to remember that god is my center. I cannot forget that. I will not let this disease rob me of that. Focusing on the disease is a sin against God, for he is the center not the disease. 118:28 You are my God, and I will give you thanks; you are my God, and I will exalt you.