I wish I did not have this friggin disease…I wish I could just feel normal again. I wish the pain would go away.  I wish I was not bloated or heavy feeling.  I wish I did not have to go to the bathroom and well it is not pleasant (I will leave it at that) every time I even look at food.   I know that I need to have the surgery..but the aftermath  and with my family well being my family, specifically my mom being back, I think that is  going to kill me if the cancer does not.  Reason for me being MIA is that I am not positive right now. i have my faith I am thankful for prayer for I have some solace in that.  The best thing that has happen to my spiritual life has been Cancer. 
 right now I need to schedule surgery but I can't.  I mean literally I tried calling again today and I went into panic attack.  Throat clog up...then went and threw up.  Not afraid of surgery more afraid of what they will find and maybe not find.  None of this is making sense I know and that is the reason why I have not written in a while.  Poor Brad does not know what to do with me. He finally said do whatever you want.  Ouch!!!
 Pray for him, Pray for Kiley. 
I called my internal medicine doc, Dr. House, to see if he can increase my happy drugs.  Oh but that does not solve the problem does it? so that is it.. That is the grand goings on.  Yes I will pray yes I have faith but I figured I would say what is going through my head.